There are plenty of blog posts about things people don’t/won’t tell you about this or that related to pregnancy or childbirth. I read every one in the hopes of learning something new. In fact, I’ve read so many that I fail to be grossed out at the finer details. But that is neither here nor there. Honestly there are some really funny and ridiculous things that no one ever shares about being pregnant and here they are. You’re welcome.
- Whatever your body does is going to be considered normal. Your hair doesn’t fall out or it does. Your legs swell or they don’t. I’d say about 99% of the time I ask about something strange the midwife or LPN just shrugs and says something like “Hmmm…I’ve never seen that before. It must just be your body’s way of dealing with the pregnancy.” In this way, and in this way only, midwifery is like modern doctoring.
- Maternity clothes are dumb. You will need them, but in the beginning they flow around you like a bed sheet and toward the end they will be too short and/or tight. I have one shirt that’s so long I’ve to hold both the front and back up while I use the toilet so they don’t touch the seat. Now I find that my stomach is exposed unless I wear a camisole underneath the same shirt. See what I mean? Dumb. Also, to go with these shenanigans, some maternity clothes require copious arrangement. This is extra dumb because I make frequent pit stops. I have spent more time fixing my clothes in the mirror in the last few months than in my entire lifetime previously. I’m sure of it.
- Women want to tell you horrifying birth stories. Why? Apparently these people need therapy and sadly they think you are their therapist! You can tell them to shut their pie hole. But they probably won’t listen. In this case it’s ok to walk away or stare at them blankly saying “Uh huh, ooo, how interesting.” It doesn’t matter because they don’t need your response. They just need to talk..and talk…and talk.
- People will ask loaded questions. Are you planning on using cloth diapers? It seems like an innocent question, but think carefully before you answer. No matter how you answer this question you could be wrong. If you answer yes, their response will be to tell you about the medical grade diaper rash their baby had from urine soaked cloth diapers. If you say no, you will quickly learn how many disposable diapers you’ll singlehandedly put in a landfill by the time your child is toilet trained (roughly 8,000). Bottom line is whatever you answer will probably be wrong in a number of ways.
- Not everyone will want to touch your belly. You’ve got to channel your most bad ass self for this to be possible (which creates an aura of “stay away”) which is totally cool because you need to be bad ass to get this kid out of you. You can deter this unwanted touching by simply shooting lasers out of your eyes. I thought everyone would want to touch me, but really no one does. That’s totally cool with me. The baby only moves when he wants to so you’re not missing much.
- People point out how long you’ll be pregnant. OMG you’re not due until September? You’ll be pregnant all summer and it’s going to be hot! Thanks. I know.
- People talk about your body right to your face! They never did that before because that would be completely unacceptable, but somehow when you’re pregnant all bets are off. “Look at your belly!” I know, I too, see it growing every day. Would you say that to a fat person?
- Sleeping with a pillow between your knees will become comfortable. But then at 4am after getting up 55 times to use the toilet you will rocket that pillow far far away. I say far away because you will have learned by now that pillows can be slippery and dangerous close to the bed. I did a slow motion pillow slide last week on the hardwood floor. It would have been funny if I was awake. Then again, if I was awake I wouldn’t have been straddling pillow and carpet wondering why one leg was sliding away from the other.
- Most importantly while each day may seem to take a long time, the total time flies! It really does. One minute you are announcing your pregnancy and the next you shopping for diapers. It seriously happens that fast. Enjoy it.